169 days feeling like 169 lifetimes of missing you
10,394 days, far too short a time to love you

10,222 more days ahead
to regret that I could not save you

My sweet child
Your French Horn, your music, your poetry
your voice messages, photographs, your books
Lay scattered at my feet
As pieces of a puzzle
that stubbornly refuse to fit

I have recalled your love of rowing and music
but it was your love of calculus
that has stopped me dead

Calculus
That beautiful, perfect mathematical study
of continuous change

I could use a little calculus just now
suspended in this moment
where the world has stopped spinning
where grief is the only constant
Unchanged in 169 lifetimes

If the universe is willing
If the universal powers see fit
Then God send me a mathematician
and a Jedi Knight puzzle master
to fix the fragmented pieces
and to offer up an alternative
to this unrelenting constant called grief



RIP Cole/C/Cass/Cassandra